Monday, August 20

Recurring

Ghostly, but too real. It's always a dream, but it was reality. It haunts me, and all I want is to delete, fast forward, never rewind.
I don't want to go back to that place, it disrupts my mind, it destroys my presence. But my mind won't let me have a choice.
Can I choose? How do I let go?

"It's not your fault. I'm an idiot." 

I'm okay for a while, but then those words reappear and my heart starts pounding. I start feeling sick, my cheeks burn, it has affected me for too long. It bothers me that I don't know. What's not her fault? Why are you an idiot?
I need to archive it, and start over, but I'm finding it difficult when my dreams are always the same.
Haunted by this ghost that I can't shut up, its words and images may be right.
Karma they say, it's a bitch, they say.

"No, I don't want you to hate me."

"We were fucking idiots."

Needles and pins, under, over and everywhere.
I don't know who to point at anymore, so I point at myself and curl up into a ball and let everything go over and over.
Then recurring, these dreams, the laughter, the whispers and what is dark and makes me dark.
If I knew how to quit, I would. One thing or another. I don't know how to quit any of it.

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